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The thing about Scandinavian short films is that they are so unbearably pretentious. Being Danish myself, I feel I can say this without stepping on any toes that aren't also my own. 'NU' (2003) is the perfect example, what with being shot in B&W for no good reason and lasting 27 minutes without dialogue. Come on.

On the other hand, the complete lack of a coherent storyline or believable character motivation can sometimes have its benefits. Such as when this

inexplicably turns into this

which in turn leads, somewhat more naturally, to this

and then - now making complete causal sense - to this

I do love me some wanton man-on-man snogging. If it doesn't make sense, you must acquit.

'Luther' OTP

It's not like I pulled it out of thin air.

Luther hugs Ripley

See? Aw.
It's alright to hold hands in public, really it is!

Luther and Ripley

I think someone on the interweb - who apparently shares my taste - called Warren Brown an 'adorable little muffin'. Funny thing is, being a former professional Thai boxer who has won the WAKO Pro World Title, he would probably defeat Idris Elba in a fight, unless the latter has some serious martial arts credentials I haven't heard about. Difference in size and weight notwithstanding.

Actually I wouldn't mind being a fly on the wall for that - not that I would prefer for them to fight, of course. Except if the manhandling led to something else.

Just kiss, already.

OK, so I did something bordering on blasphemous: I made a fanvid from Closet Land, and it's a sort of BDSM... thing. *puts on hat of shame and sits in corner*

It doesn't get much wronger than that. Ew. But I couldn't help myself! Please understand that I am currently in the grip of a crush on all characters played by Alan Rickman, and the potential for transformative sleaze based on this film was just too overpowering for me.

Let it be known that I would rather die than be in the shoes of the woman in the film. That thought doesn't fill me with anything but dread, and frankly I would be worried that there was something (more) wrong with me if it were any different.

That said, let it also be known that I would not in the least mind the task of trying to act my way though that kissing scene. Incidentally, here we also see the reason why I could never be an actor.

This is what would have happened if I had been asked to play Madeleine Stowe's part (not that I can think of a universe alternate enough to admit of such a possibility): we would have made 948574 attempts at shooting the scene where Alan Rickman's character climbs onto her lap and forcefully kisses her. Each attempt would have ended with some variation of

Cut! No, no-no, Warpie, what you are trying to convey is fear and disgust, remember? Let's do it again, and this time without the smiling, please!

Because no matter how many takes, each time I felt those legs straddling me, I would have been wearing a leering grin so lascivious that no blindfold in the world could have done anything to mask it. And then, after take no. 948574, the director and the script writer would have finally agreed to just lose the scene. Or, more likely, to fire the deeply unprofessional actor who was making such a muck of the shoot.

Alan Rickman, for his part, would presumably have been his usual cool and collected self, studying his lines in between takes, feeling more than a little annoyed and perhaps somewhat sexually harassed.

There is, however, one thing I would rather do than sit through those 948574 takes. I would rather see a version of Closet Land featuring no torture at all, but instead a seriously dubcon and highly deserved subduing of Lucius Malfoy by Severus Snape. I cannot tell you how dead of happiness that would make me. The mere thought of it fills me with glee and makes me break into maniacal laughter. That, dear friends, is why I made the vid.

And now, on a slightly more sombre note - Warning: even in a transformative work such as this, the references to psychological and physical - including sexual - abuse in the source material could be triggering.

This is a transformative work based on the film Closet Land (1991). This video is not associated with Imagine Entertainment, and no money has been made from it.
The song fragment used is from Radiohead's 'Climbing up the Walls' which appears on their studio album, OK Computer. Neither Radiohead, nor Parlaphone or Capitol Records are associated with this video.

The actual film had excellent acting and was, for the most part, very well written. It was quite distressing to watch, what with the horrifying subject matter. It would still have been distressing if the torture victim had been male, because torture is not just a 'take-down' - and it certainly isn't about putting someone in their place who has been too arrogant! It was, nevertheless, doubly discomfiting for me with the gender dynamics of a male abuser having a female victim at his mercy because of reasons that ought to be clear enough from my entry about BDSM and submissive women.

That is all. Going back to the corner now. I can't even.


I like Alan Rickman's face.

It's a good face.

I like it not least when it's attached to another man's. So watch while I cap the shit out of this scene:

More screencaps under cutCollapse )

For added pleasure, I like to imagine that this is Snape and the other guy is Lucius Malfoy.
You can read the confessions about the secret desires of HP fans - or whatever fandom - all day and never find a single one that isn't about how a girl or woman wants to be made submissive by one or several male character(s), turned into their plaything to be used solely for their gratification, and be called filthy names all the while, just to top off the degradation. Assorted punishments and spankings are a common added benefit.

What the fuck? I mean hell, people are going to desire whatever they desire, and they are not wrong for desiring it, but that doesn't mean I can't find it a little bit troubling that all the female posters to such threads have these exact same fantasies. I don't like it when people's affinities get too.... samey, you know?

Why I happen to not be submissiveCollapse )

Here's what a character like Lucius Malfoy makes me desire: I want to wipe alllll the condescension off his pretty face and make him lose control. I want to tie him down and shut him up. I want to punish his arrogance and bring him to his knees and make him sob out his surrender and his reluctant pleasure, and if he's too proud to admit he needed it, I want to walk away knowing that he did. That's what I want to do to Lucius Malfoy, people. And that is before I want to see him put on a lovely show for me with another man.

Severus Snape? Well, he's the one I want to protect and soothe. Right after I make his mask of disdain and boredom crumble. I want to break down his wall of self-doubt and bitterness and show him just what a good boy he is. I want to seduce him and make him annoyed but secretly happy and I want to fuck his brains out. And after that I want to see him with another man.

In fact, why not kill two birds attend to two men with one stone sex act and let Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape have smutty coitus together?!

What? Cliches, you say? I never claimed it was original. I said I wanted role reversal and non-misogynist slash, and I also wouldn't mind seeing more women promoting that sort of thing. Because it's natural to want to have people who share your interests, is all.

Disclaimer: The above is not what I want to do to Jason Isaacs and Alan Rickman, by the way. Them I just want to buy a cup if coffee and shake by the hand for bringing to life the characters that make me dream of soooo many things.

Dear god, what about the men?

Have one of those pesky feminists in your life who has the gall to suggest that men who want to be called pro-feminist allies

- well, they really want to be called feminists, because their definition of the feminist movement just means someone who allegedly wants equality between the sexes, as though the definition was theirs to make, and as though there were no difference between living with the boot of misogyny and discrimination on your neck and belonging to the gender that benefits from the disparity, the gender that gets all credit and benefit of the doubt, for whom everything in culture is made accessible, and who takes that for granted -

should shut up and listen to women when sexism is being discussed? You were just beginning to actually find this theoretical discussion about sexism interesting, and you were going to share alllll your thoughts about it, including how patriarchy hurts men tooooo, dammit, but then the women tell you that they know more about this form of oppression than you do? That's so reverse-sexist! Who are they to automatically assume that they're the experts? And don't they know that patriarchy can never end if we don't spend some more time talking about how men feel about it? Yes, yes, of course the oppressed group should be getting some more exposure for their experiences, yadda, yadda, but can we get back to the men now? How can the fight against gender disparity be all about ending oppression against women? Half the world's population is men, don't they know that? You are just sure there's something you can teach women about the unique male perspective on feminism!

If you have run into this problem, it's probably because you're a Prince Precious man who needs to LURK MOAR and didn't do the research. But wait - why should you have to educate yourself when you can get a feminist to do your research for you? They should be used to serving you by now. Here, let me google that for you.

The Clueless Douche Nice Guy Bingo is really the gift that keeps on giving.


Ramona A. Stone

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